Losing oneself, or just a change?

These pictures make me smile. They mark the most profound transition in my life- becoming a mama. Looking at the pictures, I can see how much I have changed. It might not be obvious to others, other than eyes that are a bit more tired now, but for me I can almost see these pictures as representing entirely different beings I have been.

Once you become a mom, it seems as though you lose little pieces of who you are. Actually, it is not so much that you lose those pieces, just that parts of you are overshadowed by the importance and magnitude of being wholly responsible for another human being. The moment when THAT hits you is unlike any other in your life. Pardon the language (I've been reading a lot of George Carlin), but it is a definite, "Holy shit, can I handle this?" moment.

I think the enormity of motherhood hit me when Caitlyn was just a few days old. I got a call from Josh's daycare because he was very ill and needed to be picked up. Jason was in a meeting without cell phone reception, and the daycare could not find Josh's mom. I wasn't supposed to drive, so I called my friend Kenzie to go with me to pick up Josh. On our way there, the car behind us got frighteningly close to our rear bumper. I assume the driver wasn't paying attention to the fact that we were stopping and had to slam on his brakes, accompanied by squealing tires and a near miss. 

I immediately began to unbuckle my seatbelt, and I guess I would have gotten out of the car had Kenzie not asked me what in the world I was doing. Honestly, I have no idea what I was doing. Maybe I was going to yell at the guy or point out that he came way too close to hitting a car with my brand new baby daughter in it. Who knows? I certainly wasn't thinking- I was just on autopilot and some idiot had just put my precious girl in potential jeopardy. The mothering instinct just took over!

While I think I have done a reasonably good job of not falling into the "all mommy, all the time" trap, there are still days that I glimpse myself in a tshirt with a jelly splotch, hair pulled into a clip, working on a craft project, and I think, "Wow, I'm a mom." There are things that I never knew I would think of as cool or enjoyable- a trip to the circus, a playdate with other moms and kids, driving a big SUV instead of a cute little car, and (don't laugh) the High School Musical movies.

I try to do the things that have always been fun. I'll go out for a night with the girls, albeit a tamer night than in years past. I still love to travel. I love a day at the spa. I still like to read and learn and shop and create. These days I just do it a little bit differently, and I can turn into a Mama Bear in a split second because I am constantly aware of what is going on with my little girls. 

Being a mom is different, it's a change, but I love it.