Never Say Never

Jason is taking a Family Law class this semester, and last week they discussed methods of child discipline. Jason is not one to send text messages during class, but I got one that said, "This is hilarious. Listening to 23 year olds who don't have kids talk about discipline. Taking notes."

When he got home, we both laughed (ok, ok, we laughed almost to the point of rolling on the floor, clutching our sides and shaking) about what Jason heard during class. For example, did you know that some consider spanking a human rights violation? Did you know that the best (and only acceptable) discipline method is to just EXPLAIN wrongdoing to your children or simply redirect them to another task?

See, here's the thing (and I know other parents realize this, too). It is slapstick, flat out, can't catch a breath, comical to hear people who don't have kids talk about parenting. HIL-AR-I-OUS. Holding back an eye roll is all but impossible when you hear them talk about all of the things they feel strongly about, while they declare vehemently, "I will never (fill in the blank with something you, as a parent, have done)."

What people without kids don't know is that you can never, ever, not in a million years, know what you will do when you are a parent. No matter how many books you read, no matter how often you babysit, no matter how much you try to prepare, you just cannot begin to fathom the reality of parenthood. I love to talk to smug pregnant first time moms, the ones with a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting tucked under one arm while they preach on about how they plan to raise their baby. I always have to stifle giggles when they lay down edicts about pacifier use (gazing disdainfully at the paci stuck in my 1 year old's mouth), scheduling (noting the 2pm time that my kids are out at the park), and the importance of early learning (yep, my kid is trying to eat a rock).

What those soon-to-be moms don't know is this- the moment they lay that precious bundle in your arms, reality will set in. You don't have the first frapping damn clue about parenting. All you know is that you love this warm bundle more than oxygen and would gladly die a cruel, slow death to see her safe and happy. You will give her whatever she needs to thrive, and sometimes that means throwing out the stupid books and going with your gut instinct in tough situations. It also means changing your "plans" since the baby never got a copy. It might mean sending your husband out to a drug store at 1 am to find a pacifier that will keep your constantly nursing baby content for a few minutes so your sore body can have a break-- to hell with the "no paci" edict.

Being a parent means that you learn to never say never. The surest way to ensure that you will find yourself doing the exact thing you swore against in 6 months is to state, especially in earshot of others, that you will never do it. Before I had kids, I said I would never spank them, that I didn't understand the lesson spankings taught and that I wanted my kids to understand the reasons why certain behaviors were taboo.

That all sounds great, but try reasoning with a 1 year old who is hell bent on prying the plastic safety plug out of the electrical socket so she can wedge her finger into the holes. Surely that conversation will go well, and when it doesn't, a light smack on the hand, accompanied by a firm, "No," will save baby's life.

People without kids cannot even begin to imagine the situations they will face as a parent. Before kids, I never knew that I would one day find myself knee deep in toys, books and clothes, trying to finish dinner, constantly answering impossible questions, wishing desperately for 5 minutes of quiet while two kids argue over who gets to hold the Dora book (mindful that no one wants to actually read the book, just hold it so the other one cannot have it).

I am not an advocate for beating your kids, and I don't think anyone should hit their kids with objects, however I have learned the value of a well-timed spanking when I know it is a discipline tool that works for that particular child. And that's the other big thing- not all things work for all kids. You cannot have a one size fits all approach to anything because you are almost guaranteed to have kids with very different personalities. I have two daughters, and they require very different things from me. I also have two stepsons, and their needs are even more varied.

The bottom line is that I do what works for each of them, and I figure out what works by trying A LOT of things. And most of them did not come out of a book.