I am so lucky.

Back when I was pregnant with Caitlyn, I found a web group for moms due in the same month as me. It was fun to talk with people who were experiencing the same symptoms as me, who were decorating, planning and learning about being a parent. It was fun, when the babies started to arrive, to see pictures and celebrate new lives each day. I don't chat with the original group anymore, but several of us spun off and created a private board, and I count these women among some of my dearest friends. We plan meet-ups and exchange gifts--they are an amazing group of women, and I am proud to know each of them.

One of the moms from the original board has faced cancer with her little girl. Her daughter, nearly the exact same age as Caitlyn, has battled cancer since she was 10 months old. She suffered through chemo, radiation, losing her hair and a total hysterectomy before she was even three years old. Happily, she went into remission back in February, but now the cancer is back. This little girl is in pain, again. She is fighting, again. She is living in a hospital, again. Her poor little body has not gone a single week without medication.

I am just crying as I type this because it isn't fair, it isn't right. My sweet girl has been able to run and dance and sing and play and travel and do everything she wants to do, and someone else's little girl cannot. My little girl will likely get to grow up and drive and date and go to prom and go to college and get married. And someone else's little girl might not.

As tough as this is for the little girl, as painful as it is for her, my heart is crushed with the pain and hurt that her mom feels. It makes me feel physically ill to think about, and I cannot begin to imagine what it must be like to live through cancer, watching your precious child hurt.

I am an idiot to get frustrated at the end of a long day. I am incredibly dumb to ever lament the fact that Caitlyn is difficult to get down for a rest. I am selfish to wish for peace and quiet for ten minutes. Oh, I know. All moms wish for those things, all moms need a break.

But, I have had the luxury of taking all of those things for granted, and today I am reminded of that luck, that grace which allows me to swoop up my healthy daughters in my arms.

I am lucky.

Do you believe in magic?

Caitlyn has gotten to an age where she not only immerses herself in imaginative play, she also creates elaborate scripts and works through abstract problems in such creative ways. It is so much fun to watch, and there are times I have to stifle giggles because I don't want her to think I am laughing at her.

She has recently become obsessed with magic- she loves magic tricks, and she really, really loves to make things disappear. At first, I think the draw was the magic wand and the fancy words, but now I think she enjoys the showmanship of it. Anyway, she likes to put on magic shows, and the most prominent trick is to make things disappear. And then, of course, reappear. She has also expanded her magical vocabulary to include exotic made-up words that I wouldn't begin to know how to spell!

Just the other night, she was doing a magic show for Jason and I. She'd grabbed a pair of Lorelei's bloomers, and she was waving a wand, chanting and making them disappear underneath a pillow. After a minute, that trick got old, so she came up with a way to make it more interesting.

As we watched, she waved her magic wand . . .

"Abracadabra (insert more magical gibberish here)! Make these (winding up her little arm and scrunching up the bloomers) panties DISAPPEAR!"

With that, she threw them into the bedroom, ran over and slammed the door.

"Ta Da," she smiled. "Now no one can see them!"

The wind up and the throw were hilarious. I wish I could convey the concentration and effort that went into making those panties disappear. Caitlyn was delighted with her trick, Lorelei was delighted with Caitlyn and we were delighted with the whole shebang.

These girls amaze me each day!

Boston in the Fall

Be warned- this is long!

Yes, I hear ya. Another trip. With kids. What are we thinking? Yada yada yada. It's what we do!

When we moved to Williamsburg, we made a list of all of the places we wanted to visit while we were here. Places are slowly being marked off our list, and our time here is growing short, so we were both happy when I found cheap airfare to Boston since it was a destination we really wanted to visit.

I must say, other than checking out a couple of books about Boston and asking advice from friends and family, I really didn't ever get into the full-on, Nazi-esque planning mode I am well known for- this trip was meant to be a laid back perusal of the city, and it was the perfect approach to a great place. Luckily for us, this laid back approach could not have been better timed because we had a few curve balls thrown at us on this trip.

It all started when we got to D.C. the day before our plane left. We planned to meet up with our friend, Kevin, for dinner, and then stay in Baltimore since we had an early flight the next day. We met Kevin at the Air and Space Museum, and Caitlyn was particularly thrilled- she loves Kevin, AND she loves planes, so this was a big hit.

However, 5:00pm rolled around (I like to call it the witching hour), and the girls were cranky, hungry and tired. After much walking and looking around, the boys were hunched over the iPhone looking for a Chipotle that should have been right there, when I decided to just ask someone. We ended up at a Legal Seafood, where everyone had a good meal.

We said good-bye to Kevin, then headed to Baltimore. Or, we tried to head to Baltimore. I, sadly, assumed that Jason knew how to get from point A to point B since we'd done it before. I also, mistakenly, assumed that it would be pretty easy to find the loop we needed, even if Jason didn't know. Wrong, Ashley. Wrong on both counts! After many twists and turns through the Mall area, Jason planning to just pull over and buy a GPS and me telling him to just ASK someone, we did manage to find our way and laugh.

Our next obstacle came the next morning at the airport. We were talking with another couple traveling with two young girls, and their mom was telling me that they are good little travelers, too. We were swapping stories about rough flights, and the other mom told me about two times that her girls threw up on a plane. I laughed that we hadn't had that happen yet.

About 4.6 seconds after I uttered those fateful words, as we were lining up to board the plane, Caitlyn threw up. Everywhere. When Jason turned her to take her to the bathroom, she threw up again, all over him.

We quickly got her cleaned up, and luckily we knew exactly what caused it (not an illness), so we were able to make the flight.

Once in Boston, we took a few moments to figure out the T, and we were off to our hotel. We stayed at the Boston Park Plaza, and all I can say is thank goodness for priceline because I got an incredible deal on a spectacular hotel that was in a great location. Our room was large, and we were right by the Public Gardens.

Since we arrived in the middle of the day, we decided to check out the theater district and the area around our hotel. We strolled through the Public Gardens to take some pictures, and we spent a lot of time being amused by the giant squirrels that would take food from our hands and feeding the ducks in the pond.

We wandered into a few shops, and Jason bought a Red Sox hat, and then schooled Lorelei on the finer points of baseball.

We also picked up a copy of the book Make Way For Ducklings because the girls were enthralled by the statues in the park, and we ended up reading the story no less than 20 times during our 4 day stay.

We also meandered through Boston Common, and ended up stumbling upon the famous Cheers pub. Jason wanted a picture, and Caitlyn wanted to swing on the fence in Mary Poppins fashion.

We ended the day with a quiet walk through Beacon Hill, one of Boston's most beautiful (and affluent neighborhoods. It was gorgeous.

Our second day dawned clear and cold, the perfect day for our trek on the Freedom Trail. We bundled up the girls, and set off for a 2.5 mile journey through history. Taking it slow, we managed to see all the sights along the trail, enjoy a delicious lunch and soak up the quiet ambience of Boston. While Lorelei was content to ride snuggly and quietly, Caitlyn enjoyed dictating from her stroller throne, and there were several times during the day when she pulled out the map and barked things like, "Mama, go down the blue and then turn on red. Attached to that is the road, and that's where we go."

Among other things, we visited two graveyards, the State House, Paul Revere's house and the Bunker Hill Memorial.

Let's talk about Bunker Hill (of "Don't fire till you see the whites of their eyes" fame). You are able to climb to the top of the tower, home to 294 winding stone steps to enjoy a 360 degree view of Boston and the harbor. That doesn't sound too bad, right? Jason and I took turns, not wanting to carry the girls, and I went first. 294 steps is a heck of a lot more than I imagined it to be. The views were great, but I was glad to get back to the bottom where I could rest my weary legs. Working out on a Stairmaster is not quite the same as climbing real steps.

After a ferry ride back to downtown, we walked to P.F. Changs to enjoy a quiet dinner while Caitlyn slept in her stroller, and Lorelei entertained us with chopstick antics. She was so happy to have our undivided attention, and it reminded us of our early days of parenting when we only had one baby most of the time.

Our third day was cold and damp-- the perfect atmosphere for a trip on the train to Salem. Getting to the station was an adventure in itself, but I am proud to say we did it with nary a misstep. I am utterly fascinated by the Witch Trials, so it was incredible to me to be able to see the Witch House, the Memorial and the hill where 19 "witches" were hung by religious zealots.

We enjoyed another stroll through the Public Gardens, along with stops to feed the ducks and squirrels. After dinner, the girls and I settled in while Jason explored some of the city on his own.

Sadly, our departure day arrived with Caitlyn protesting that she wanted to stay in "Fauston." It might be more heartbreaking if she didn't say that at the end of every trip! We explored Newbury Street, where we bought a set of watercolor paintings for the girls' room that detailed the duckling statues in each season. We headed to the public library to gaze at the massive marble foyer. Caitlyn and I explored the upper floors, where she wanted to know who Galileo and Plato were after I read off the names carved into the walls. Lorelei enjoyed looking at all of the books, and both girls were very respectful of those who were reading.

Finally, we headed back to the Gardens for one final visit with the ducklings. We fed ducks and squirrels. Again. We climbed on the statues. Again. We played in the leaves. Again. It was bittersweet to leave behind the park that felt a little like home, especially when we said good-bye to one of the dog owners we'd seen each day of our trip during our park jaunts.

Boston tops the list of my favorite cities. The people are friendly without being boisterous, and the history is crushing and omnipresent. Before we left, I read somewhere that Bostonians live history every day, and I can see now what the writer meant. Everywhere you turn in Boston, there is an integral part of American history, and it is nestled right in among the every day facets of life.

The colors were truly awe-inspiring, and the backdrop of red, orange, yellow and brown was intense and lovely. There were times we didn't know whether we should gather the leaves up and toss them with joy, or simply stand and marvel at their beauty. Of course, we did a little of both.

As we headed to the airport, I felt sure our adventure was over, and I began to think about all of the things I would need to do once we got home. Little did I know we had one more adventure in store.

When we checked in for our flight, we ran into the family we'd seen on our way to Boston. We exchanged stories, and they were so glad that Caitlyn had not been ill again during our trip. Our flight was very bumpy, and Lorelei was inconsolable during our final descent into Baltimore. She fussed like I have rarely seen her do, while Caitlyn sat in stone cold silence as her unease with the landing grew. As soon as the wheels of the plane touched down, Jason handed Lorelei to me, and she promptly threw up. Yes, she did. No, I am not joking.

Luckily (for everyone else), she mainly got me, and we were able to clean up quickly. Jason and I honestly just laughed. Lorelei was fine after that, so we were relieved, and it was just unbelievable that on a single trip, both of our girls vomited in close proximity to the plane.

When we ran into the other family at baggage claim, I told the other mom, and she and I just laughed about the fact that neither of us will ever tell a story about throwing up at the airport again.

What a trip.

Never Say Never

Jason is taking a Family Law class this semester, and last week they discussed methods of child discipline. Jason is not one to send text messages during class, but I got one that said, "This is hilarious. Listening to 23 year olds who don't have kids talk about discipline. Taking notes."

When he got home, we both laughed (ok, ok, we laughed almost to the point of rolling on the floor, clutching our sides and shaking) about what Jason heard during class. For example, did you know that some consider spanking a human rights violation? Did you know that the best (and only acceptable) discipline method is to just EXPLAIN wrongdoing to your children or simply redirect them to another task?

See, here's the thing (and I know other parents realize this, too). It is slapstick, flat out, can't catch a breath, comical to hear people who don't have kids talk about parenting. HIL-AR-I-OUS. Holding back an eye roll is all but impossible when you hear them talk about all of the things they feel strongly about, while they declare vehemently, "I will never (fill in the blank with something you, as a parent, have done)."

What people without kids don't know is that you can never, ever, not in a million years, know what you will do when you are a parent. No matter how many books you read, no matter how often you babysit, no matter how much you try to prepare, you just cannot begin to fathom the reality of parenthood. I love to talk to smug pregnant first time moms, the ones with a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting tucked under one arm while they preach on about how they plan to raise their baby. I always have to stifle giggles when they lay down edicts about pacifier use (gazing disdainfully at the paci stuck in my 1 year old's mouth), scheduling (noting the 2pm time that my kids are out at the park), and the importance of early learning (yep, my kid is trying to eat a rock).

What those soon-to-be moms don't know is this- the moment they lay that precious bundle in your arms, reality will set in. You don't have the first frapping damn clue about parenting. All you know is that you love this warm bundle more than oxygen and would gladly die a cruel, slow death to see her safe and happy. You will give her whatever she needs to thrive, and sometimes that means throwing out the stupid books and going with your gut instinct in tough situations. It also means changing your "plans" since the baby never got a copy. It might mean sending your husband out to a drug store at 1 am to find a pacifier that will keep your constantly nursing baby content for a few minutes so your sore body can have a break-- to hell with the "no paci" edict.

Being a parent means that you learn to never say never. The surest way to ensure that you will find yourself doing the exact thing you swore against in 6 months is to state, especially in earshot of others, that you will never do it. Before I had kids, I said I would never spank them, that I didn't understand the lesson spankings taught and that I wanted my kids to understand the reasons why certain behaviors were taboo.

That all sounds great, but try reasoning with a 1 year old who is hell bent on prying the plastic safety plug out of the electrical socket so she can wedge her finger into the holes. Surely that conversation will go well, and when it doesn't, a light smack on the hand, accompanied by a firm, "No," will save baby's life.

People without kids cannot even begin to imagine the situations they will face as a parent. Before kids, I never knew that I would one day find myself knee deep in toys, books and clothes, trying to finish dinner, constantly answering impossible questions, wishing desperately for 5 minutes of quiet while two kids argue over who gets to hold the Dora book (mindful that no one wants to actually read the book, just hold it so the other one cannot have it).

I am not an advocate for beating your kids, and I don't think anyone should hit their kids with objects, however I have learned the value of a well-timed spanking when I know it is a discipline tool that works for that particular child. And that's the other big thing- not all things work for all kids. You cannot have a one size fits all approach to anything because you are almost guaranteed to have kids with very different personalities. I have two daughters, and they require very different things from me. I also have two stepsons, and their needs are even more varied.

The bottom line is that I do what works for each of them, and I figure out what works by trying A LOT of things. And most of them did not come out of a book.